1. Mo's Pancreatic Cancer Journey: Symptoms, Diagnosis, and Surgery

Jason: Maureen Kilar, better known simply as 'Mo' first learned that she had a tumor on her pancreas on Sunday, March 2nd, 2014. This is Mo's story about her journey with pancreatic cancer. My name is Jason Kilar and I am one of Mo's six grown children. You'll be hearing my voice on these podcast episodes as Mo's interviewer.

This podcast exists for a simple reason--to provide hope and optimism, to both those who have been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and to their loved ones. When Mo first relayed her diagnosis to her family on that day in March, we did what anyone in that situation would do... we Googled for as much information as we could find about this disease.

While we found ample medical information from those pancreatic cancer Google searches, including many sobering mortality stats, we did not find much in the way of human stories. We found nothing positive to speak of. In the face of so much darkness just one story of optimism, just one story of survival would have helped greatly in that moment.

This is our attempt to share Mo's story of optimism and survival in the face of pancreatic cancer.

So Mo, thank you very much for sitting down for this set of interviews. I suppose that we should start. With why we're doing this, why in the world are we sitting down and going through these, important interviews about your journey with pancreatic cancer? Do you want to share with people what you want to accomplish with this?

Mo: Yeah, I think from my perspective, I'd like to share my journey, my experience, with the hope that, in the sharing of this even anybody, one person or as many people going through cancer or any kind of cancer or specifically pancreatic cancer, it will lighten their load even for just one day. That would be important, I think. 

Jason: It's, it's, you know, I agree. And I remember when you and I were emailing back and forth about this, where we said, "Hey, wouldn't it be great if we sat down and got your story recorded." And I know for as a family member, obviously, you know, with you as my mother going through this, it was very difficult for us, for you individually and us as a family

The minute you got diagnosed, we of course, went on Google, we went on the internet, did all the searching we could find to get smart about cancer and specifically pancreatic cancer. And I recall that there was a lot of statistics that we found. There was a lot of medical jargon, a lot of clinical information, but there was a tremendous absence of human stories.

and you know, as importantly, there was a tremendous lack of hopeful stories. And so given A) that you have survived pancreatic cancer and B) I think it has been, such a positive and hopeful story that I'm very excited to, to get this recorded for the benefit of other families that hear this diagnosis.

And so that when they do a search on Google, They might find this one, Ray of hope in the midst of a bunch of statistics and clinical jargon on them. 

Mo: You're right. It is interesting to me that the internet was filled with people that did not make it, those stories tragic, tragic, and, that is not what you need as you begin your journey.

Jason: True, obviously. So well, speaking of your journey, let's take me back, take us back to February of 2014, which is a, tell us about the beginning of your story with pancreatic cancer. 

Mo: Okay. So a little backstory is that I have spent most of my adult life dieting, as you know, and, there was no diet, no quick weight loss that I had not attempted tried.

From the ones that are on the stock exchange to weigh in prey. And yes, there is a way in prey that was in Pittsburgh. But I had in January as part of my new year's resolution for 2014, determined, once again that I was going to live a healthier life, I was going to embrace exercise and lose weight. So I went to a local fast weight loss center and did a 180 in my eating habits basically, and proceeded for, I think, four weeks.

Okay. So, which got me into February, 2014, February 27th, it was a Thursday evening. My neighbors called and asked if I'd like to join them for dinner at a local restaurant near my home in Boynton beach, Florida, where they knew. And, we had done many, many times. I love the fried oysters and I think that since the beginning of 2014, not that this is important, but it is a little, negative information I had had Friday, right? Six times 

Jason: wait in February, 

Mo: January and February until, so I was going to get my seven. Well, it's not important, but it just shows you a little bit of who I am passionate about things.

And it was fried, always 

Jason: a lot of fried oysters. 

Mo: So I was eager to have my seventh serving a fried oysters in the year 2014, 

Jason: Thursday 

Mo: night went to the restaurant and remarkably had no appetite did not get my fried oysters--shocking. I got some little appetizers and I found myself nauseous and without appetite I, a part of me was not feeling well, because of the nausea. However, I was rather excited that the diet had kicked in and my appetite was 

Jason: diminished 

Mo: and going forward, I would never have to worry about weight again. So that was how Thursday night went 

Jason: So you saw it as a positive, 

Mo: I thought it was very positive. I did, I did have an appetizer and half apology remains sweet potato. That was my dinner. 

Jason: Thursday night, nauseousness. No concern? 

Mo: No, not at all. Very happy Friday, Friday, I woke up and I noticed my back was hurting some, I was busy. Okay. I noticed I had very little energy, so I didn't, I wasn't able to accomplish even simple tasks. Right. So, and I noticed that my skin was becoming yellow.

Okay. And, and I, you know, I saw it when I was driving my arms were yellow. 

Jason: Did you notice your eyeballs?

Mo: Eyes were yellowing? And then I looked very much like a yellow highlighter. Okay. I mean, my stomach, 

Jason: This was over the course of Friday? 

Mo: Friday, Friday, yellow, yellow 

Jason: yellows. And what did you think at that point? Time to call 911?

Mo: No, no, not at all. I thought, Oh, I'll feel better. Okay. Saturday morning, I woke up. basically as yellow as a highlighter. Okay. No question. And your brother came over from breakfast, coffee breakfast, as he did every Saturday morning walked in and he said, mom, he said, you're yellow. I said, I know I am. I said, Jeff, make a big deal of it.

I had half a sweet potato, Thursday night. This is the reaction, you know, And he said, no, we're going over to the hospital to the 

emergency room. 

Jason: Thank God he said that, 

Mo: thank God, 

Jason: because if he did not say that you probably would not have gone. 

Mo: Yeah. Things would have had to get much, much worse.  Than turning yellow, 

Jason: nauseousness back pain, back pain and yellow. Right. but, but you didn't think that it was jaundice at the time? 

Mo: No. Well, I really did not know what it was. I thought it was this new diet 

Jason: that allergic reaction, 

Mo: not normal, not even allergic. If you eat enough sweet potatoes, even as a baby eating carrots, you turn yellow. Okay. So there's a name for that.

But anyway, so we went to the hospital and moved me through the emergency room and, checked me in. Okay. And I was still then focused on that. It was probably some reaction to this healthy. Okay, new diet. And, and I thought, well, maybe it's gallstones. You know, that, that was probably the one I was looking.

Jason: Now you have six children, second. You're very close to your family. Any communication to the family event at that point, 

Mo: just to let them know that I was into the hospital, probably going to be facing gallbladder surgery. I had diagnosed myself. Yeah, 

Jason: because you're not a doctor.

Mo: Because I'm not a doctor. 

Jason: You had no problem diagnosing these things.

Mo: Not at all. Yeah. And so then they ran some tests very quickly. at the local hospital, they ran some tests and, this was Oscar weekend, 86. Yeah. Academy awards. And I was very excited to get home for Sunday night because in preparation for watching it. With Bill and, the sitting and, you know, that's a big night and we're going to have the neighbors over the same people I went out for dinner with.

And I was eager because we had watched all the nominations for the best movie that a year in advance of it. So we were really into, it was kind of a fun thing and that the hope was to just get home by Sunday 

Jason: and by Saturday midday at the hospital. You're not thinking that this is serious. 

Mo: Yeah. Not at all.

Okay. Then they mentioned that they, they were going to do a test. They were going to do an endoscopy as well as a  CT scan and that they would see what was going on with my pancreas liver that, you know, that was obviously the liver was suspicious. 

Yeah. very quickly. by Sunday evening, I was not home for the Oscars, by the way, a doctor came in about.

Six o'clock at night. And he said, we have identified a tumor on your pancreas and, which is shutting off your bile duct basically. And that's what's causing the yellowing. And so we need to go in tomorrow morning, put a stent in and call in a specialist because this is something that you'll need.

There's a specialty here. And I, you know, he, he was very honest and I said, well, so what are we looking at here? When you say a tumor, he said likely, a carcinoma, likely a cancer on the pancreas and perhaps looking at pancreatic cancer. 

Jason: And when he said those words, what's going through your mind. 

Mo: What went through my mind is this is not a good diagnosis.

Right. But also what went through my mind is what does he know. 

Jason: Cause you're, you're in a, regional hospital in a small medical center, near where you live. Right. these are, it's not a cancer specialty hospital. And so at that point, are you trying to be hopeful that they have the diagnosis wrong?

And once you see a specialist, so you, you were 

Mo: I was hopeful because of that.

Jason: Turns out, he was brillaint.

Mo: God bless the man he was brilliant. However,. 

You 

Jason: were just trying to cope. 

Mo: I was just, that was fine. I just figured what do they know in Boynton Beach? Right? It's 

Jason: okay. Yeah. Well we'll clearly this is not Pancreatic Cancer 

Mo:  No, it's gallstones so I said, 

Jason: but it was, was it a punch in the gut to hear that? 

Mo: Yeah, it was. It was probably more 

Even 

Jason: if you didn't believe it. 

Mo: Right. I never cried. Right. I never got despondent. my neighbors. And Bill came rushing over, did not watch the Oscars 

Jason: so you called them to let them know what you just heard. 

Mo: Yeah. I just told them what had happened, what, and not to worry tomorrow, they're going to put a stint in and we'll figure it all out.

Jason: And this is Sunday night, 

Mo: Sunday night, they all, three of them arrived. Bill Paula and Jerry. 

Jason: Yes. 

Mo: And Jerry Jermaine was crying. I thought I never saw Jerry Jermaine cry and I'm thinking, and he said, this is not fair. And I went. I said, Jerry, please. I said, this is probably going to be, a gallbladder removal at most.

And I said, I'm coming home tomorrow after they put the stent in and we'll get a specialist in on this and we'll figure it out. And that was it. And I never lost an hour of sleep. Went to sleep, slept like a baby. 

Jason: Do you communicate to anyone else in the family 

Mo: I sent an email out to all of you. 

Jason: Okay. So the six kids,

Mo: we call ourselves the freaks.

Jason: Okay. So email goes out to all six kids, right? Then what happened? 

Mo: a lot of hand ringing from the children, my children, 

Jason: because the children believe the diagnosis at that point?

Mo:  Well, they, yeah, even though I made light of it, right, right. They talked amongst themselves, as they say, and they said, this is, this is serious stuff talking pancreas here.

Right. And I got an email from you and Jamie, your wife that said tomorrow, We will figure this out as a team, the whole family, you're not alone. And then I thought, wow, this is, this is big. This is big. And that's when I started beginning to take it serious. When you said that email said, yeah. So, 

Jason: so that was Sunday night? 

Mo: Sunday night

Jason: Sunday night. So the journey officially begins. That's when it began Sunday night at that point, did you feel, Hey, this, this doctor. Maybe actually has the correct diagnosis we'll find out. Right. But did you start to believe that this very much could be pancreatic cancer? 

Mo: I did start to believe that. And so, someone wisely said, do not Google this.

Okay. Do not Google this. And I didn't. I did not. I did 

Jason: What would be your recommendation for other people that get the diagnosis? To Google or not to Google?

Mo: You know that's an individual thing. Some people's over, or some people are very proactive and they like to know exactly, you know, what goes into the doctor's decisions.

I wasn't so much, but maybe that's because I have six children that I knew would be doing this. All the research team Kilar was coming in and, and, you know, you were busy trying to find the right hospital doctor, anywhere in the country. Yes. Ken was busy doing the technology. Kerry came down and wanted to do the physical logistics of getting all the records.

Yes. Kenny built a platform to upload all the records so that any doctor anywhere could look at it. We didn't know where we were going, whether we were going to go to MD Anderson, where we were going to down at University of Miami, where we were going to go. And so, I kind of let my children. Okay. Taken on a lot of the responsibility, probably should've done more probably, but I was at that point concerned with the living of life, you know, taking care of the daily things that I do routine routine, 

Jason: you just wanted to stick with routine.

Mo: You know getting the dog shampoo. Those were the things that I got said, get back, get this bile, duct open, get the yellow went away and the yellow. Anyway, 

Jason: this was Monday?

Mo: Monday. I felt fine. They, they let me go. I came home would have not known a single thing was wrong.

Jason: Right. Okay. You feel no nauseousness? No back pain? 

Mo: Nope. Nope. Nope. 

Jason: Okay. So what happened then? So now you're back home. Feeling just like before totally healthy, seemingly healthy, totally fine. and yet you have a, you know, kind of absolutely early indications cancer. Okay. So you, you got a biopsy, you received a biopsy, the results of the biopsy Monday, Tuesday, 

Mo: probably a couple of days.

Jason: Okay. So, so by Tuesday, Wednesday of that week, 

Mo: we had to figure something out. 

Jason: You know, that there's a carcinoma on your pancreas and, And, you know, it's serious based on what you're hearing from your family members and your neighbors and whatnot. 

Mo: So now you have to understand because I'm Irish and, the Irish are not big on doctors.

I'm not saying this as a broad generalization. Let me say my mother who at that time was 97. Yes. Did not believe in doctors. She has. She said they can't keep a bit of life in themselves. Okay. 

Jason: I'm a fan of doctors just like to go on the record. 

Mo: so I did not have a physician because I had taken no medication.

I was healthy. Yes. I had never been sick really. You know, so I had no physician, so I was really not in a very good place medically and probably not very responsible when I look back at that. 

Jason: So what'd you do?

Mo: Well, I had to find a physician 

Jason: as an oncologist? 

Mo: Yeah. Yeah, no, no, not an oncologist. I had to find a general physican, 

Jason: Oh, okay.

Mo: Primary care to see, do I need any something wrong out? It could be other things wrong with me, high blood pressure or something. 

Jason: So after the, after the pancreatic cancer diagnosis preliminary diagnosis, you then had to go get a primary care physician, which you did not have. 

Mo: And you think that's easy. I will tell you.

In, in one morning, I got a appointment for the dog to be groaned and shampooed. My nails done. Yeah, many, many ordinary tasks published and date set. Yes. Still could not find a phsyican. So not taking new patients. We'll call you back. the receptionist is on vacation. She won't be back til Thursday. I thought, Oh my.

Jason: So I should have gotten this on the record earlier, but February of 2014, your age, 

Mo: my age was 68 

Jason: 68. So, so you have this preliminary diagnosis. You now have to race around trying to find a primary care physician. Probably a good idea. If you had to do over again, you probably would have had a primary care physician long before that, 

Mo: but I had nothing wrong with me.

Jason: Understood. So you see, so you're racing to find a primary care physician. What about the doctor? Who said, we need you to see a specialist, specifically a pancreatic cancer specialist. 

Mo: Okay. That's when you came in, you did the research,  

Jason: the name Dr. Jarnagin came into our lexicon and Memorial Sloan Kettering came into our orbit and  that actually allowed you to get an appointment with Dr. Jarnagin at, Memorial Sloan Kettering, 

Mo: which was not easy.

Jason: And so 

Mo: that was the 

alignment of the planets.

Jason: lots of small miracles happen in this world that was first ratable or important, small miracle, if not a big miracle. Right. Which was the. The name of dr. Jarnagin again, right. Memorial Sloan Kettering, and the ability to be able to get an appointment. Right. which was, just a wonderful one beautiful blessing 

Mo: because he was clearly, an expert in the surgery aspect of this, which was the Whipple.

That was the word. And you had to qualify. For the Whipple, right? So you had to have the, the tumor had to be in the right place where it had to be the right size. I'm not so sure of the medical requirements, but, you know, certainly there had to be some health issues for me going in that would make it, so then it became a will I qualify for this Whipple surgery. That became the next goal. I recall that. 

Jason: So you're in South Florida, right back at home, right. Seemingly healthy. Although you know that you're not healthy on the inside, what advice or recommendation would you have for other people who get this preliminary diagnosis? Most likely from a regional hospital, which is the way this typically gets diagnosed, obviously in your situation, you scrambled to try and figure out.

Who the right specialist could be. Right. And to pray to God that there's an opportunity to go and meet with them. What advice would you have for other people trying to figure out who they should go see? 

Mo: Well, first of all, it's while you're going through that journey of who you're going to say, who you're going to choose, whether it be at what, whatever facility.

Yeah. I would not drape crepe, as we say, believe. That there's no pancreatic cancer until they absolutely prove it. You know? they said that it was pancreatic cancer, but that in my mind, they could have been wrong at the community hospital, you know, and until they actually can say so with absolute certainty, I believe there was really not a big risk. I hate to say that. 

Jason: And that's just because your thought was a community hospital is not equipped. They're not filled with cancer specialists. So, so you were holding out hope.

Mo: And there's so many false diagnosis has out there. 

Jason: So holding out hope 

Mo: and not, not thinking of it very much, going on with daily living busy, busy, keep busy, and I'm believing in my heart and soul that there's a very strong likelihood that this is. If it is pancreatic cancer, it's so small, it's a non-issue. 

So you told that to yourself or something that you told them. 

Jason: Okay. So you became dr. Mo and said, Hey, this is not a big deal. Okay. So you have now an appointment to go up to see Dr. Jarnagin again for a consultation. Right? So how much time elapsed between when you got that news that you had an appointment set up and so 10 days, so anything going through your mind, unusual in that 10 day period?

Mo: Being positive and just sending emails to friends and asking my neighbor to check, keep the house, you know, watch things while I'm away, get somebody to watch the dog. you know, okay. 

Jason: So you have a 10 day period where, it's 

Mo: busy getting, getting things done so 

Jason: busy work it in some way. That was just to keep your mind occupied. Okay. So then you go up to New York for this consultation, right? Take me through that. 

Mo: Well, I went up to New York and, and for me that was a, time because all the children came and I wrote this email on March 8th. And what I wrote is out of the book blue, I turned yellow last weekend, like a highlighter and was hospitalized locally, discharged on Monday with diagnosis of malignant tumor in the bile duct.

Not certain if there is pancreas involvement at this writing. Which would dramatically alter the odds team Kilarr got on this one. And within 72 hours, a web access was created in the cloud for consulting physicians to access all images reports, et cetera, with ease biopsy slides were FedExed and on.

Tuesday morning. I have an appointment with Dr. William Jarnagin, again, who heads up the liver pancreas bile duct cancer team at Sloan Kettering hospital in New York city. Bill will be with me. Jason will fly in and the rest of the time Kyler children are scheduling visits. As I talk, I am in awe and deeply touched with how this group of six kids from Murrysville can band together and accomplish anything.

Oh, I'm getting weepy. As one of the children said the stakes are unusually high. She's our mother. So off I go on Monday morning, armed with everything to beat this cancer love Mo I'm say it that's. That was, I was so glib there. I was going off to beat it. 

Jason: And you did? 

Mo: Yeah. With, with a team of six. 

Jason: Well, w we didn't provide anything.

Mo: Yes you did. 

Jason: It was the doctors. 

Mo: That's another podcast. Okay. So to me it was like a Kilar family reunion. Unfortunately it happened to be in Sloan Kettering in the lobby, outside dr. Jarnagin, but the goal was this visit A) celebrate our family, be together. Talk about the restaurants were phoneys. I couldn't make it go all this.

and hopefully I will qualify. For this Whipple. Okay. Which by the way, our son, your brother, Ken said Whipple, that sounds like an amusement park ride. He goes, do you think I'm tall enough to ride the Whipple? I mean, so there was a lot of levity and I'm joking. Jimmy said don't Google Whipple because it's like gutting a deer.

Here's a description. And another one of my irreverent children said something about, this Whipple, is this the same of the Charmin toilet paper Whipple? Is he going to be the surgeon? So that was a lot, a lot of lightheartedness lightheartedness, and don't take it, don't worry about it. And, but hoping very much that I would qualify for this Whipple, because that seemed to be the only exit strategy from this.

Jason: Yeah, it did definitely. The research that we were doing as a family, certainly seemed to be that there was chemotherapy, radiation and surgery, and obviously you referring to the surgery for that. Right. And so, so you go in, is there any testing that was done with Dr. Jarnagin the test and redoing of tests?

Mo: Right. Okay. So there was a lot of uploading in using Ken's technology to make that happen. I remember, meeting with Dr. Jarnagin and, at that point, I believe he had done 600 Whipples. Okay. I spent a lot of time researching him. Okay. For some reason, I don't know why his background, his family, his children.

Jason: Yeah. Your life was going to be in his hand 

Mo: who this man was in it, it was around st. Patrick's day. I remember bringing him an Irish soda bread, hoping that that would help. Right. My mother's Irish soda bread recipe. so that was important to just know the man when I sat down with him and delightful man.

but he was going to China. However, he said, you know, he did believe I was right candidate for the Whipple

bus. So he 

Jason: met you in person for the consult. Right. 

But then all the trip to China on the books. Right thereafter, 

Mo: He said, yes, I believe you were a candidate for the Whipple. Okay. I would like to schedule you.

Okay. I'm going to China on a business trip of some sort. but my team is excellent. And I thought to myself were, we were brought ourselves all the way up to New York and he was going to be back in. Two weeks.

Jason: Yes. 

Mo: And I asked him, honestly, I said, seriously, doesn't make any difference if I were your mother, would you recommend?

I said, I know your team is great. I'm not questioning that. Right. But you're the one who's done 600 and we have flown up to see you is two weeks going to make a difference. He said, no, he did not believe. So. I said, then let's wait. And schedule it with you when you get back. 

Jason: And it was very clear that you, you felt very positively about Dr. Jarnagin during that consult 

Mo: very much. So 

Jason: he was confidence, inducing. It's probably the best way to describe that. 

Mo: So yes, his team is great, but you know how you're, I mean, well, you 

Jason: I mean you had a relationship with him. And so it's tough to take a leap of faith with someone you've never even met.

Right. Whereas here you have this doctor that has meant so much to you, . 

Mo: yeah, very honest, very honest. Yes. he said that when he would open me up in the surgery, there is still the possibility that it would not be operable 

Jason: if they saw that it spread to the 

Mo: whatever nodes

and he would close it up and come out to you at that point in the waiting room.

And let you know that I was not a candidate. That's real. The real test was in the, in the actual surgery or so went back home. 

Jason: Okay. How are you feeling on the heels of that consult and. The scheduling of the Whipple surgery for two weeks later, 

Mo: I was so thrilled. Okay. Hey, I qualified. Yes. It's like taking the SATs and I got into the best school, 

Jason: so you're pretty happy.

I got it. 

It was a win. 

Mo: I was a win. 

Jason: Okay. So New York was considered a positive thing. 

Mo: I came back with good news. Told all my friends. Oh my gosh. 

Jason: Great news.

Mo: Great news. 

Jason: I have pancreatic cancer

Mo: I am the, I was the happiest person you could imagine. 

Jason: Okay. Okay.

Mo: No despondency at all. 

Jason: No. Okay. 

Mo: I don't know why. 

Jason: Yeah. Why is that? Because plenty of people, I would think in that situation, they go to New York under not pleasant circumstances. Granted Memorial Sloan Kettering is unbelievable as a cancer center, but it's where people with cancer go, which, which is not a fun environment. And you, yes. Qualified for at least opening you up to, to begin a potential Whipple surgery.

there's a lot of people that would not be necessarily excited or positive about that, even though I hear you, that it is a, a positive thing to qualify. Right? So in this case, because surgery can be a positive path for, for treating pancreatic cancer. where do you think that positivity came from versus the alternative.

Mo: You know, I, I don't take any credit for it. It's genetic. I'm sure. I honestly have never been one to, be depressed really. I don't, I, and you know, that's, maybe that's not a good thing. Maybe it is. It is who I am. but I will be honest with you that, in my heart and soul, I never believed that this was going to be the end of my life.

I never did. I never did. 

Jason: and at that point, were you aware of any of this stuff related to cancer, survival rates? 

Mo: Absolutely. I was. Okay. 

Jason: And yet, 

Mo: and yet I didn't believe 

Jason: Never believed that we wouldn't be part of the 94% of whatever that number is. 

Mo: I don't know why. I don't know why. I never told my mother was 97 at the time that I had, been diagnosed. once I was approved for the Whipple, I called her and told her that I was going to have gallbladder surgery. That was not a 

Jason: So that's an outright lie. 

Mo: No, it wasn't because they were going to take my gallbladder out when they did the weapon. 

Jason: I did not know that. 

Mo: Oh yes. Okay. I told my mother, your grandmother, who we lovingly called GM Great Mary, cause she didn't want to be called great grandma, that I was going to have, Gallbladder surgery.

And I asked for her prayers, 

Jason: Which was not the complete truth, 

Mo: not the complete truth. and she had a pair of rosaries that she would hang on her lamp every night. And I asked her if she would say the rosary for me, I'll never forget her response. She said, I'm not wasting. We stick a rosary on a gall bladder surgery. She said they do those laparoscopically now that's nothing event

so 

Jason: you didn't take the opportunity to say, well, it turns out it's not just the gallbladder 

Mo: never said a word. Okay. So I knew I wasn't going to get a rosary. Okay. I don't think she'd even say a prayer because she was so sure this was a nothing event. 

Jason: Okay. So you're positive. for reasons that are, let's say genetic or disposition, et cetera.

So you're thinking, Hey, I'm going to get through this. This is great news that I qualified for the Whipple. Right. I believe in Dr. Jarnagin, again, it's, it's generally speaking. You're feeling positive, 

Mo: very positive.

Jason: What's everybody else feeling around you?

Mo: Not so much, so, okay. I'm seeing people weeping and wringing their hands and some of my good friends and neighbors and.

just so sad about this and I'm thinking, ah, I don't know. I don't know. I can't explain to you why I wasn't sad to this date, to this moment of that in this journey. I had not shed a tear, lost any sleep. 

Jason: Okay. And their sadness and they're weeping. And they're hand-wringing did that affect you. 

Mo: They're burying me. Okay. I thought to myself. Okay. 

Jason: So you just didn't want to even acknowledge it. 

Mo: Exactly. They're putting me in the ground. Draping crepe prematurely. 

Jason: And you just feel strongly. Hey, it's just not going to be right. 

Mo: I just did not believe it was gonna be 

Jason: okay. So, so with that, why don't we wrap up this first interview and then the next one we'll go into the Whipple 

Mo: the whipple. The Amusement ride. 

Jason: Sounds good. 

Sounds good. Thank you Mo 

Mo: love you, Jason.

Jason: We hope that you have enjoyed this first episode of the Mo Chronicles navigating pancreatic 

cancer. In the second episode of this four episode series, we'll cover Me's Whipple surgery and much more at Memorial Sloan Kettering in New York city.